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CozyNet Gift Guide 2023 (not a shill post!)

So I would like to preface this as my 2023 gift guide that’s NOT a shill post, alright? This means I’m not linking to some Amazon affiliate link or any href link at all. Nah, you’ll have to look these up yourself!

Now, other than you, do you know somebody that also likes cool things? Well, look no further than here fren; most of the items listed below can be found for pretty cheap on eBay or at a local Goodwill if you live in the US. Some of it is also normie friendly.

If you do decide to use my gift guide, then don’t forget to lemme know if the gift was a hit or a shit!

Click here for blog post theme music to set the mood.

[Old laptop]

I think the Lenovo’s are a better bet than other older laptops simply because of the availability in refurbished batteries. You can usually pick one up in great condition for around $50 - $100. Just get it a new battery, an SSD, and 8GB memory and it’ll make a good craptop for web browsing and stuff!

This might also make a good gift for learning how to use a real computer if you have any young and upcoming nephews and nieces or kids of your own that don’t know what a file manager is. They ain’t gonna learn shid from a tablet!

[Unicomp keycaps]

If you know anyone with a model M keyboard, get em the Unicomp Linux Tux Key set! Or maybe get it for yourself as a gift. I think I will.

[MP3 player]

You can pick up old MP3 players for pretty dang cheap these days. The Sony Walkmans are nice, and some of them you can reflash the firmware to something else. I haven’t actually done that to mine, and like it the way it is. Something to consider is that the MP3 players with the integrated batteries typically won’t hold a charge if they’re really old, so you might aim for one with replaceable AAA batteries.

Unless your frens an audiophile or capable of recalling music from memory to playback in their head, these don’t sound too bad (the Sony’s are the best IMO); and they make nice little devices for listening to audio-books and podcasts without all the hassle of unnecessary distractions like mobile skinner boxes and their lack of audio-jacks.


Maybe you don’t know wtf to get as a gift and everyone you know are normies that couldn’t ever appreciate your refined eclectic tastes in good gifts. Well then, may I introduce you to bookends!? There’s literally thousands of different bookends you can find off of eBay for pennies on the dollar, and they make a great easy cheapo gift that almost everyone can use! Oh and don’t worry if your normie frens and fam are too illiterate to read and have no books, you can use these bad boys to prop up all sorts of things on a shelf! I recommend demonstrating its function so the idea might sink into their mind.

[ email account invite]

If you’re able to send invites for a email account, you could send this as a gift to someone wanting an “anon” mail account. (Psst, email isn’t anon and every relay can see your messages in transit unless you PGP encrypt the contents.)

[Steam game]

This one’s kind of lame bros, but it is an option. I’d recommend at least buying a game from your frens wish list to gift; just make sure it’s something you actually buy instead of gifting them a free to play game.

[Torrent collection of movies on a flash drive]

This ones a pretty cheap one too, but if it were me receiving this gift, it better be a complete TV series in nice quality and not just random crap you’d fish out of the Walmart movie dollar bin. So what you could do is ask your fren for their favorite shows and then follow up if they already have it or not. It might depend on who you intend to gift this for though, because most normies don’t know how to playback media files let alone have a means to play them back and likely don’t know wtf a flash drive is either.

Yes, I’m aware of streaming services too, so you might want to make sure this is a series that isn’t available on streaming services. Oh, and don’t forget to include subtitles!

[Hot choccy mix]

This is the “there was an attempt” level of a gift. It’s so cheap that any broke ass NEET should be able to scrounge around the change for it; hell, even your parents might have a box laying around you could snatch up too. If you can, at least include a bag of small marshmallows with it?

You might also keep in mind if your fren is lactose intolerant, so keep an eye on the ingredients or get the one with soy or non-dairy products.

[Draw a picture]

This might be even lower than the hot choccy mix in terms of gift appeal, but if you’re a good artist and set the piece in a nice frame, it might actually make a pretty good gift! Now if you’re a terrible artist, you could use the Bing DALL-E AI to make a cool picture to print and frame then either lie about its origins or make a big show about it being rendered by AI. Normies might think it would be super cool if it were made by AI too. You should probably have it printed on some nice lament instead of standard old copier paper so that it won’t fade over the years in the light.

[Vintage TI calculator]

These could make cool little novelty gifts for your techbros. I’d recommend a vintage calculator, preferably with lit LED numbers. Anything from the 70’s and 80’s would make a perfect choice. These are also pretty darn affordable. A calculator watch would be killer too!

For anyone living outside the US, these calculators will likely follow an order of operation that might not be expected by the rest of the world. You’ll have to look up the manual online to learn how it works.

Gifts I wouldn’t recommend:

[Coffee mugs]

Everyone already has a coffee mug, and probably one too many too. To not have another coffee mug for a gift would be a gift in and of itself.

[Grifter merch]

Nothing says “I love living in a pod and eating the bugs!” like gifting grifter merch. You get advertised to at every angle of sight these days, even after blocking them out with extensions or with a Pi-hole. Actually, a Pi-Hole might make a good gift too!

[Gift cards (with exception)]

Unless it’s a gift card pre-loaded with a balance that can be used anywhere, then forget it. Getting $15 off a $50 dinner at a steak house or a month subscription of Netflix or Amazon Prime is friggin lame! I’d rather just get a box of hot choccy and marshmallows.

[Scented candles]

These things friggin stink! I’d rather just pick out my own scented candle. The only good this lame-o gift serves is for target practice out on a range.

[Greeting Cards]

These are only okay when included with a real gift. A greeting card alone ain’t shid, unless you stuff a $20 or a $50 in it. People don’t do greeting cards correctly these days anyhow. You’re supposed to write a thoughtful letter in it, or send one to a relative, parents, or a close friend that’s far away and haven’t seen you in forever. I guess social media has nullified the sort of special moment they’re supposed to bring since people only ever just sign their name in it anymore with the occasional short “hello, hope all is well!” Blah.


And this concludes the gift guide! If you have any gift ideas, you could post them in the comment section. This was fun to make and I’ve intentionally tried to keep it away from the mindless consoomer drivel that most gift guides end up being. My first iteration of this post was too cringe so I had to re-work it a few times. Hope it helps!

Thanks for reading my blog!

Date: 2023-11-20

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  • so glad I remembered your websites name. I did a rewrite of my lainchan site and need to redo the webring
    btw how necessary is your captcha? Were people posting soykaf before you added it? Or did you always have it?
    Dec 15, 2023 Permalink Reply
    • It was being spammed by a bot and some lunatic, so I just threw in the captcha to make it difficult enough to make it not worth their time. -Cozy
      Dec 15, 2023 Permalink Reply
    • A subscription to NextDNS to block ads would be a fantastic gift.
      Dec 11, 2023 Permalink Reply
      • Season pass for Fishtank Season Two would also be a nice gift for frenz! :3
        Dec 7, 2023 Permalink Reply
        • : ( plz no degenerate pic. i thought this was a safe and wholesome place. : ((
          Dec 5, 2023 Permalink Reply
          • OKAY FINE! It comes from a funny /g/ thread FYI, which is why I included it. -Cozy
            Dec 6, 2023 Permalink Reply
            • thanks cozybro! : ) now i feel more comfy here.
              Dec 8, 2023 Permalink Reply
          • I had a serious laugh while reading this
            Dec 5, 2023 Permalink Reply
            • Santa, I want a new (used) Lenovo with that wallpaper!
              Nov 29, 2023 Permalink Reply
              • Gift cards are so lame. Get your frens real gifts. They should look at the gift throughout the year and remember you. That's the real test
                Nov 26, 2023 Permalink Reply
                • Now this is a nice guide. 
                  Thank you and have the coziest Christmas of them all :)
                  Nov 21, 2023 Permalink Reply
                  • Thanks for the gift guide Cozy! The gifts not to get section is surprisingly effective in making it clear this is no shill post.
                    This might be the first time I’ve read a gift guide made by an actual human, and not a bot/shill/bugman. Happy Thanksgiving!
                    Nov 21, 2023 Permalink Reply
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